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Below are the 50 most recent journal entries recorded in Shoshana's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, May 5th, 2010
2:48 pm
For what it's worth...
I'm in the mitten for a little while, and I'll be in Ann Arbor for a little over a week... I've been terrible about reading LJ, but if I know you, and if you're still in MI, I'm sure I'd love to get together and catch up live. :)
Sunday, December 13th, 2009
5:18 am
not so fun acronyms AKA what's sort of been going on
Many many good things happened this year.... I got flown to Maui and went to Thailand (I can now check riding elephant off of my bucket list). I got a real editing job and will eventually get paid for it. I saw The Dead. I celebrated kitten season, got goldfishes, and maybe best of all I've found a boyfriend, someone to call silly pet names and snuggle with on the couch. I sort of thought that would never happen, that I was doomed to only connect with the unavailable or the inconveniently located. So that's all great. But that's not what's keeping me up at four in the morning...and, well, Santa's not what's keeping me up either, all though I desperately wish it was :) Right now TOS is keeping me up. Now the geeks I know are probably all going awes yeeeeah, Sho's up late watching Star Trek the Original Series, and then they're probably thinking 'well, what else is new?' But that's (unfortunately) not what's keeping me awake either. TOS also stands for Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. It hurts...a lot...and, I have it. I got diagnosed a few months ago, and aside from being a pain in the shoulder it is also the driving force of a ludicrously complicated L&I saga that has me set up with a lawyer and facing what everyone says will be a long and unpleasant battle to get the surgery that my doctor says I need.

The story of my lost job and the struggle I had working there don't bear posting on the internet; I think real company and a nice single malt scotch would better help bear that topic. But I will note that my doctor, the one filing my claim and calling for surgery, is one of the doctor's that I worked for, and I'll add that I have the great pleasure of going into the office I used to work in as a patient...and all the staff know that my employment was terminated. Leave it to me develop TOS while working in the only clinic in the Pacific NW with a surgeon who will see L&I TOS patients. I think the writers penning the story of my life want a raise...or maybe better benefits. Anyway, the doctor says it will probably be two years before the surgery gets authorized, and because even something as basic as typing flairs symptoms (you all would not believe how slowly I'm typing this incidentally) it's not looking as though I can work in the interim. It's ridiculous the sorts of silly things that flair it up, and I'm struggling to be good about not doing things I shouldn't. When symptoms flair it feels as though invisible claws and clenching my shoulder and neck, and even the shy movement of a shallow breath sends unpleasant ripples down my arm. My hand tingles as if it's fallen asleep, and the outer fingers feel cold and off--as though they aren't moving properly.

Most of you have seen my bruises from silly falls or heard me winge about hangnails or splinters. I'm a wuss about pain and wiggle with worry before pulling off a band-aide. But I try to do it with panache. I usually make a story out of it, try to make it entertaining...but I don't usually make much of a secret of my bumps and scratches. I don't know why I didn't want to share this, but I've been relatively reticent. And, I've accordingly been distant. Maybe I feel that there's been too much drama, and I didn't want to admit to more. Maybe I wanted to ignore it. Maybe I'm embarrassed. I really don't know. But it's hard to smile when it hurts, and it's so exhausting being in pain...I found myself wearing out and leaving parties and events early because of it, and lately I've found myself not even going. My social life has dwindled, and while much of my downtime comes with the domestic company of my vey lovely boyfriend, I feel disconnected. I've been back from Thailand for two months, and I still have a bag full of presents I got for folks.

Some days are fine. Some days I almost forget to feel anxious. Other days, particularly when I'm leaning against a pillow wishing sleep would come and blot out the pain squeezing at the nerves in my shoulder and clenching at my neck, I feel overwhelming panic that the mess of L&I will remain a mess, that I won't get the surgery, or that the surgery won't work (and mind you, working could just mean that the symptoms get 50% better), that I'll go crazy with boredom not working, that the pain will never go away, that my boyfriend will be turned off to me by my lack of strength dealing with all of this, that I'll end up disabled without income from disability and be left with no option but to move into my parent's basement in North Carolina and will lose all of my sparkle. Then the ‘what ifs’ start pinging my brain, and I feel that it's all just too much. I couldn't even decorate the Christmas tree--my very first Christmas tree, and I was so excited about it--without fading and ending the night dead-eyed and holding my shoulder as I leaned against the arm of the couch. But that's the kind of woe that makes me feel like less than charming company.

At any rate...my intention with this note wasn't to winge or vent, although that seems to have snuck into my writing. To be honest, my hope is that some of you wonderful shining people will do me a favor and help keep me from falling into hole and disappearing into the safe boredom of television. I miss you all... I have a lawyer and a doctor, but I need my friends too. I can't promise that I can muster the energy to party like a rock star, but I would be beyond grateful if some of you could help drag me out of the house or stop by to play with kitties and offer some company.

And to end on a good note... I was a Christmas tree for Santacon last night, and my secret wish to be surronded by people singing "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" was fulfilled when a bunch of cute girls dressed as elves did just that. They had giant candycanes, and it was awesome.
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
1:48 pm
first attempt at a new poem
If my body fell away
the skin breaking down
into bits and bits of dust
as my tresses crumbled
and my nails cracked
as my bones melted through
leaving my form true
but a roundish jellied mess
If the flowers in my name wilted
and my throat constricted
so that the sound of my voice
was
only a memory
whispered in your half-forgotten dreams
a song caught in thoughts
echoing before any word was sung
before my lungs could squeeze
the force of sound
and not even my eyes
could scream
or laugh in joy
or show a window to my soul
If I was still
unchanged
still changing
If I somehow smiled
would you would
still love me
would you would
know
that even if I
could not hug you
could not whisper, "Hi"
could not twist my legs around you
could not taste your sweat
could not hear your voice
even if your face and form
never existed
I still
would love you
still and...
always still
Thursday, January 3rd, 2008
6:09 pm
Hey MI folks!!
I will buy a drink and dinner for anyone willing/interested to pick me up at the airport on Fri 1/18 sometime between 3:30pm and 6ish and then get me to the Detroit-Troy Marriott some time later that evening. Any takers?

I also would like to go to City Club the following weekend? Any interest? In a related question for anyone interested in expressing the darkness in our souls whilst drinking and dancing, would it be too far out of someone's way to retreive me from Ann Arbor so that I could get there? The car that fits in my backpack and travels on planes with me is unfortunately not currently in existence.

If cons and goth are not your thing and you would still like to say hi or catch up, my number is still the same, and I'm sure I will want to see you, whichever odd non-goth-inclined non-sf-geek friend of mine you might hypothetically be.

Marriages or other major events aside, this will probably be my last trip out to the midwest for another couple of years, so get the Sho while there's Sho-time to be had.
Monday, October 29th, 2007
2:14 pm
MI bound
I have plane tickets purchased...Huzzah! I will be in MI from Jan 18 to Jan 27, and, except for the SF Convention that first weekend and a potential side trip to Toronto, my schedule is free. I'm excited to see all of you midwest peeps whom I haven't seen for months upon months. I'm looking forward to hitting up the roving pirate bar at the con, to going to some of my favorite restaurants, and I really want to go to City Club at some point as well so that I can drink and dance like old times. If you're reading this and in Michigan, I probably have high hopes of seeing you--yes you!--and would love to figure out how to make that happen. Well, so it's three months away, but I'm looking forward to it :)

By the by, who all is planning on going to Confusion? And, who might be interested in splitting a room?
Thursday, September 27th, 2007
1:01 pm
frustration seething
2 hours on the phone with IT...and I *still* can't change my fracking password, which, in the time I've been on the phone trying to change it has now officially expired.

I finally hit a dead end when they had me on a webpage to create a name and password in an account that would allow me to create the id# that I would need to get some name and password that would allow me to log on to the appropriate website to change my password. Well, I had to enter a birthdate that wasn't mine (01/01/1900) and then enter an ID number that I don't know (because I've never needed it) into the box that asks for my social. When I got transferred to the help line for that ID number, they couldn't give it to me because they couldn't verify who I am...because they're at the UW and don't have my social or birthdate in their system.

::SOB:: ::fights urge to attack computer with crow bar::

Please note that I've changed it three times before without any major issue. The only reason I had to deal with IT was that the link to the webpage wasn't working because our firewall won't let us open up that page.

Current Mood: frustrated
Thursday, September 6th, 2007
5:34 pm
better post possibly coming
So, I'm back from Burning Man and generally dust-free.

In lj related news, I got a ride in a wheelchair by the guy who created live journal while we were looking for an absynthe bar.
Wednesday, August 15th, 2007
10:08 am
Getting (too) involved with i
I like i. It was exciting indeed to discover i, and from my first exposure to i, I found myself infatuated. i is a delightful thing to explore! When things are rough, I can count on i to help me get to the root of the problem, and when it's just me and only i, of course, things are never truly negative. It's odd, but when I am at peace with i and have spent time really working with i, I feel happier and more content. It's not that I think that i is the only thing worth exploring: I am intrigued iams too. Most of my thoughts contain a few stings of of iambs, and of that I am, I find, ok: I don't actually think that I could be me without an iamb occurring to me. Sometimes iambs occur to me while I play with i, and it really is a pleasant party of me by myself. At the end of the day though, it all comes back to i. Now that I've found i, I don't think I could bear to lose i. In fact, I think I would cease to exist without i. So, I take a lot of time to care for i, and I work hard trying to understand i so that i is healthy and I am happy. Even though it takes a lot of work to get a positive result with i, I still like i and enjoy exploring i.
Saturday, July 28th, 2007
5:00 pm
Um...bad tooth...
My temporary crown just came off, and I have to leave in 15 min to get ready for our fire performance tonight, my first ever paid gig. I called my dentist, but the office was closed. Erm...because I can't think of what else to do, I'm putting the crown back in and will go forth with the show as planned. I guess I should maybe *not* do the fire eating bit tonight.

::shrugs:: It doesn't hurt, which is a good thing I guess. Have I mentioned lately that I have some very negative feeling towards my teeth right now? Seriously.

Compared to the root canals and the oral surgery though, this is nothing! Listen to me teeth and listen good. Just behave yourselves already! Ok. Please. Don't impact yourselves anymore. Don't get anymore potentially fatal infections. Don't have anymore failed root canals. And, for the love of dog, please oh please stay in place long enough for me spin a hula hoop on fire. Ok. Ok? I'll brush extra special good if you behave. Maybe I'll even spring for the minty wax-coated dental floss. Um, please...with sugar on it? Or, shit, not sugar. I mean... Awe fuck, just behave or ::shakes fist:: or else!

Current Mood: nervous
Thursday, July 26th, 2007
3:23 pm
And...done.
I finished HP7 during my lunch break, and while I felt it had its problems during the first 400 pages, it picked up nicely enough to leave me satisfied now. I feel comfortable saying goodbye to this series that has kept me company for almost seven years, since before I had even trekked to BRC. Bye bye Harry Potter. I'll miss you. It's been fun. I'm sure I might re-read you, but that's never the same.

On the funny book-Sho anecdote track, Harry Potter made me late for work this morning. I got so into reading it as I bussed to work that I lost track of time and space and wound up missing my stop and overshooting the SCCA by a mile and a half.

It has been really pleasant finding myself in tune with popular culture this past week. People smile at me when they see the book in my hands; patients and employees stop by desk and chat when the see the massive time sitting next to my paperwork. I've enjoyed having that connection, and while I'm looking forward to diving into the next couple of books on my list, I will miss the knowing smiles and winks.

Ah well, it's off to the next adventure. By the by, I absolutely *love* book recommendations. If anyone has read something that they think I might enjoy, please let me know!

Current Mood: content
Thursday, July 19th, 2007
11:42 am
Eeep! Typecast forever...
So...a while back I found an error in Robert J. Sawyer's new book Rollback, an error wich will actually be corrected in the paperback reprinting. Well, last week I found a typo in Flashforward, one of his earlier books, and when I e-mailed him about it, I asked if I found a third typo would I get a prize. He said if I could find a third one that I could name my reward.

Welllll...this morning I found two more in Mindscan, which won the John W. Campbell Memorial Award, and I did indeed attempt to claim my prize. Here's what Robert J. Sawyer, Hugo and Nebula award winner, the dean of Canadian science fiction, had to say:

"Anyway, on your prize, it's my pleasure! I'm happy to
do it. :) You can count on Shoshana Glick being
mentioned in WAKE, my next novel. "

How frackin cool is *that*!

Gee, wouldn't it be cool if people would like pay me to be anal. Seriously.

And, I know that it's really dorky, but I'm ecstatic. Actually, wait a sec there, it's not dorky; it's geeky. What's the difference you might ask? Well, as my friend Harri likes to point out, geeks wonder what sex is like in zero gravity; dorks wonder what sex is like.

Anyyyyyway...I wish I had a camera on me so that I could show ya'all how I really am grinning ear to ear.

Current Mood: ecstatic
Wednesday, July 4th, 2007
12:05 pm
today of all days
1 year gone. I want to say that I feel that I've achieved something in struggling through it, but aside from the memories stirring it feels oddly flat. If anything, flashing back to my cold consideration as I stared at the pill bottles just a few months ago or recalling the sharp scratch of the screwdriver in the autumn of this year of hellish struggle, I feel weighted by my own weakness. And still, despite the scars, despite the flashbacks, despite everything...it still seems spun oneiric and not real at all...not real at all.

Strangely, I'm mosjavascript:void(0);tly ok right now. I didn't think I would be. I was in rare energetic form at Critical Massive, more the me that I was before. I take that as a good sign, though I still have what seems a precognitive image of me curled and leaking tears somewhere as more chunks of reality pound home.

Healing comes on its own terms sometimes, and for what alleviation it has granted me thus far I am truly thankful. Even as I grow and mature, I hope that each year brings me closer to reclaiming myself.
Monday, July 2nd, 2007
1:54 pm
One year ago now... I can still see it, still feel it, an infection in my soul that writhes through my mind. Sometimes I can't believe that time moves on still and removes me farther from this thing that seems a dream--a nightmare--but was so terribly real. Two days until the anniversary of your death, but the horror began when I shut my eyes and when you said, "Oh shit." I've changed forever, and you are gone. I will never forget you Nathan. I love you still, and I hope that one day, July 1-4 will remind me less of the nightmare and rather more respark thoughts all the pleasant times with you that came before.
Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
4:02 pm
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
12:53 pm
Thursday, March 29th, 2007
6:38 pm
SEAF (and me) on MSNBC
www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17819862/

check out #11 in the slideshow :)
Monday, March 19th, 2007
1:04 pm
meme time
1.Do you still talk to the first person you kissed? Actually, I’m not sure that I remember.
2. Have you ever seen your best friend(s) naked? Um, yea!
3. What did you do when you weren't in school in the 2nd grade? I started reading chapter books, and I accordingly often had my head in one. I also took french classes after school and did modern dance and folk dance. I think I was pretty into origami at that time too, though my craft phases are a little fuzzy in my memory when it comes to order and duration.
4. What is the best thing about your job? Sometimes I manage to make a little bit of a positive difference in the life of someone who is suffering from cancer or someone who loves someone suffering from cancer.
5. Pro choice or pro life? I’m pro choice in practicality but unconvinced on the morality of abortion and certainly opposed to abortion as birth control.
6. How many people have you kissed? Quite a few.
7. Did you vote for Bush? More trees…less Bush.
8. Where are you going on your next vacation? I don’t know. I’m still considering performing in Amsterdam. I’m still considering going to Turkey in the fall. It all hinges on how much the dental stuff will cost me.
10. Are most of your friends guys or girls? It used to be mainly men, but now I would say that it is fairly balanced.
11. Do you own any furniture from IKEA? Billy bookshelves in blonde wood. How’s that for alliteration!
12. Last book you read? Something Rotten (the fourth book in the Thursday Next series). Right now I’m working through Odd John by Olaf Stapledon.
13. If you could have one super power what would it be? I want to absorb other peoples super powers like Peter on Heroes…there are just too many cool things to choose!
14. Where have you lived most of your life? I guess that I spent the longest time in the US (24 years in the country) in Michigan (14 years in the state) and in Novi, MI and Chattanooga, TN (about 6 years each in both of those cities).
15. What was the last conversation you had about? Define conversation. I most recently spoke to a patient’s daughter over the phone to confirm appointment times. However, I would say that my most recent conversation (so defined by a decent legnth and focus) was with Leslie, and we talked about BDSM stuff.
16. Where do you see yourself in four years? Oh gosh. I couldn’t have imagined the me I am now four years ago. Who knows what four years will bring?
17. What's your favorite smell? Lavender, ginger, mint…not all mixed together mind you, but I like those three the best.
18. What is your favorite sound? rain
19. Are you moody? It depends on whom you ask. I think my moods tend to be relatively consistent.
20. Favorite movie of all time? I could never pick one…I love so many different movies in so many different ways. I have seen Rocky Horror the most times, but then I was in the cast for three years. Right now I’m in a Fosse mode.
21. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your classmate? I don’t think so.
22. Have you ever played Spin the bottle? Oh yeah!
23. Have you ever liked someone and not told them? Yes, I suppose so. For the most serious crushes on people whom I interact with regularly have exploded from me in the forms of an oral confession…and they have consistantly resulted in sex or sexual play, though only once or twice in a relationship.
24. Have you ever gone camping? Only event camping…I really really want to do real camping! Will someone go with me? Please?
25. Have you ever had a crush on your brother's friend? No. Never. I have two brothers, and one is 6 years younger and the other fairly ant-social.
26. Have you ever gone to a nude beach? No. I have been nude on beaches though.
27. Have you ever gone streaking? Does being unpainted and naked at the Fremont Solstice Parade count?
28. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Yes!
29. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? Yes…and so hard that I have lightly urinated. Hey, it happens.
30. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober person? I’ve wondered into a few parties that were well in progress.
31. Have you ever been in love? no
32. Have you ever felt betrayed by one of your friends? Yes. More than once. The wounds still hurt.
33. Have you ever lied to your parents? Only white lies. I have failed to tell them things, but my father has already told me that he doesn’t want or need to know everything that I do.
34. Have you ever been out the US? Yes…I’ve been to Canada, Italy, Greece, Israel, England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Peru, France, Germany, The Czech Republic, the Netherlands, Spain, and Morocco..
35. Have you ever thrown up from working out? No.
36. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat? No, but when I was six, as a punishment, I had to get my hair cut short. The stylist didn’t realize that I had curly hair, and the page boy legnth curled into Shirley Temple curls that clung close to my head. I cried because I was so upset.
37. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places? In one day? No. Gross.
38. Last song you listened to? Taylor the Latte Boy.
39. Have you ever spied on someone? Yes…sort of…I would make sure to be where I thought the person in question (whom I had a crush on) might be.
40. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers? No. I sucked one of my co-workers nipples though! (She’s pregnant and went to SEAF wearing baby bottle nipples as pasties…I sucked on the baby bottle nipples).
41. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons? Put them in the break room at work so that they would get used. It’s boring, but it’s true.
42. Who was the last person who you called? Gerald, to wish him a happy birthday.
43. When was the last time you slept for more than 12 hours? I don’t remember.
44. Have you ever been arrested? Yes.
45. Most embarrassing CD you own? It would depend who is looking through my CD book. I think most of my friends would tease me for owning Garth Brooks’ Greatest Hits…I like his song about life being like a river.
46. Have you ever stolen anything? Yes. I used to be quite the shoplifter.
47. Have you ever had egg nog? Yes. I did not like it. It is very thick.

Today Did You:::
1. talk to a boy/girl you like today? Well, I like my co-workers, and I totally talked to them today.
2. realize anything new? No. It is early though.
3. talk to an ex? No.
4. miss someone? Yes.

Last Person Who--
5. slept in your bed? NCK…that was ages ago though. I generally sleep in other people’s beds.
7. you went to the movies with? Jesus Chris for movie hop glory.
8. went to the mall with you? Um, I think that would be Harley back in July…we got sunglasses and food at Northgate. I don’t like malls so much. I did go by myself last week to get cotton underwear for SEAF.
Last Person--
9. you said "i love you" to and meant it? Probably Teresa.
10. Did the person you care about most break your heart? I think that this question is phrased oddly; I’m not quite sure what is asking. If it is in reference to the previeous question, then no, Teresa hasnn’t broken my heart. If it is asking who thhe last person I cared about who has hurt me is, then the answer is NCK.
11. Said they loved you and meant it? Again, probably Teresa.
12. called you in the middle of the night? Once again, probably Teresa.
13. Do you have a crush on someone? No. Thank gosh!
Just Plain Questions--
14. what book are you reading now? Odd John by Olaf Stapledon
15. Best feeling in the world? Genuine happy.
16. favorite location? I don’t know. I love the dessert. I love BRC. I love Prague and Edinburgh and London and Andulucia.
17. piercing/tattoos? Only pierecings so far.
18. what are you most scared of right now? Finances and interpersonal stuff…and some psychological stuff. I’m scared that I’m still having flashbacks and anxiety.
19. where do you want to get married? I think I’d like to get married outside someplace that’s green.
20. who do you really hate? I don’t hate anyone. The person whom I most strongly dislike is the ARNP who works on my floor and who sold the car that I paid to get inspected out from under me. I don’t know her very well, but the effects of her actions have certainly made me disinclined to be friendly. I also don’t like how she treats her TC.
21. does anyone really hate you? I don’t know. I hope not. There are people whom I’ve hurt, but I would hope that know in their hearts that I would never have done so intentionally.
22. do you like being around people? I’m not much for alone time.
23. have you ever cried? Silly question…everyone’s cried, at least when they were infants. I do cry. Just today I hugged a patient who was crying and teared up myself.
24. are you lonely right now? Yes and no.
25. song stuck in your head right now? Real Big Spender from Sweet Charity…the Fosse version
26. been on radio/TV? Yes. I actually was on a campus TV show in college, and I was on a show in London.
27. ever liked someone, but you think they never noticed you? Silly and light crushes…yes.
28. ever liked someone who treated you like crap? Yes.
29. how many beds did you lay in yesterday? One
30. what color shirt are you wearing? I’m not wearing a shirt. I have on a leoprard print dress and a cream coloured jacket.
31. name three things that you do every day? Breathe, talk, think…
32. how much cash do you have on you right now? If I’m lucky, then enough to buy a fracking diet Dr. Pepper with.
34. when was the last time you saw your dad? Febuary 18…I had gone to Utah to visit my younger brother (who is going to school there) and my parents who flew down for his winter break. Prior to that I had last seen my father in April for his not yet 50 birthday party (basically his 49 ½ party).
35. who got you to join LiveJournal? Andrea.
36. what did you have for dinner last night? Lots of potluck goodness.
39. what web site do you visit the most? yahoomail
40. do you have plants in your room? No.
41. does any part of your body hurt right now? Yes…my neck and shoulder are killing me, and the burn on my arm isn’t happy because I accidently scraped it against a brick wall.
42. what's your favorite starbucks drink? Yuck. I love coffee, but I hate Starbucks. I like quad skim mochas, light on the chocolate, and with whipped cream.
43. would you have a problem if your friend went after your ex? I would never tell them not to…it would be awkward though.
Friday, March 16th, 2007
11:43 am
Ouch! I burned myslef at the SEAF gala...
So, I've been showing everyone at work my nice little second degree burn and really enjoying this exchange:

me: Hey, check out what I did!
them: My gosh, how did you do that?
me: (in a little girl voice) Playing with fire...

Burn aside, by all accounts the piece went well and seemed to be very well received. I thought Spinergy's other piece of the night went beautifully too, and I'm proud of us. Go us.

Still...it's going to be one long weekend.

If you're in Seattle, come check us out at the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, held at the new Fenix at 1700 1st Ave S. I'll be doing poetry tonight and tomorrow at 7:45 and doing my fire interrogation scene at 10:30 tonight and at 12:30am on Saturday.
Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
3:40 pm
174/239
Movies You've Seen...
Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 movies on this list. Copy this list, go to your own LJ, paste this as a entry. Then, put x's next to the movies you've seen, add them up, change the subject to include your number, and post. Have fun!

**I’m marking it if I’ve seen mulitple versions but only counting it as one for the purposes of the tally.


P.S. I challenge you Brandon and you Chris because ya'all are the only two whom I reckon can beat me.

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane
Total = 9 thus far

(x) The Princess Bride
(x) AnchorMan
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
(x) Saw
( ) Saw II
(x) White Noise
(x) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total = 17..

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 24...

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 33...

(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (The one with Jessica Biel)
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
(x) Robots
Total so far: 42...

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
(x) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
(xx) King Kong (I've seen the original and the '70s version -- they didn't specify)
Total so far: 50...

( ) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
(x) Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween
(xx) The Ring (I’ve seen the J-Horror and the remake)
(xx) The Ring 2 (I’ve seen the J-Horror and the remake)
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber
Total so far: 59...

( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
(x) From Hell
( ) Hellboy (I’ve seen half of it though!)
(x) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 65...

( ) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
(x) Seed of Chucky
(x) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
(x) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(x) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
(x) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 76...

(x) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
( ) Bourne Supremecy (I’ve seen half it though!)
( ) Lone Star
(xx) Bedazzled (I’ve seen both thank you very much.)
(x) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
( ) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
Total so far: 81...

(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
(x) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
( ) War of the Worlds *the original*
(x) Rush Hour
( ) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 89...

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
(x) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
(x) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(xx) Wizard of Oz (I’ve seen both the animated and the live action musical)
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 102...

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
( ) Sky High
(x) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(xx) Freaky Friday (the original and the remake)
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
(x) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far: 115...

( ) Swimfan
(xx) Miracle on 34th street (I know I’ve seen at least two versions…I might have actually seen all 3.)
(x) Old School
(x) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
(x) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
(x) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old-virgin
Total so far: 122...

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 128

( ) BASEketball
(x) Hostel
(x) Waiting for Guffman
(x) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
( ) Elf
(x) Highlander (Well, I am friends with Teresa after all ;)
(x) Mothman Prophecies
(x) American History X
( ) Three
Total so Far: 134...

(x) The Jacket
(x) Kung Fu Hustle
(x) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead (And I’ve seen Simon Pegg’s show Spaced!)
( ) Willard
Total so far: 141...

( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
(x) Hulk
(xx) Dawn Of the Dead (I’ve seen both versions)
(x) Hook
(xxx) Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (I’ve seen the new one, the cartoon, and the BBC one)
(x) 28 days Later
( ) Orgazmo
(x) Phantasm
(x) Waterworld
Total so far: 148...

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
(x) Kingdom of Heaven
(x) The Hills Have Eyes
(x) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
(x) The Last House on the Left
(x) Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 156...

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
(x) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
(x) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 164... (But where are all the Star Trek movies!! I’ve seen all of them too…)

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
(x) Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
(x) Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
(x) Red Dragon (I’ve seen Man Hunter too.)
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal
GRAND TOTAL = 174
Friday, March 2nd, 2007
7:34 pm
eh ::shrugs:: not so accurate

The Everything Test

There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)

Personality
You are more logical than emotional, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more atheist than religious, more dependent than loner, more lazy than workaholic, more traditional than rebel, more artistic mind than engineering mind, more idealist than cynical, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are intellectual (87%), adventurous (80%), slutty (60%), greedy (59%).

Stereotypes
Punk Rock80%
Old Geezer80%
Young Professional76%
 
Life Experience
Sex48%
Substances62%
Travel47%

Politics
Your political views would best be described as Liberal, whom you agree with around 41% of the time.
  Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Upper Class. You make more than 0% of those who have taken this test, and 22% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated R.
By the way, your hottness rank is 60%, hotter than 84% of other test takers.

TAKE THE TEST
brought to you by thatsurveysite

9:25 am
from a patient...it brought tears to my eyes
"And special blessings to Shoshana. Though we've never met, she put exceptional heart and soul way beyond the call of duty into her assist. I'd reccomend setting up a VIP Heart & Soul Department with her in charge. She's an exceptional talent that should be put to a higher calling."

If someone you encounter ever seems to go above the call of duty or airs out kindness that eases whatever brought your paths together, I urge you to let them know it is appreciated. Doctors, teachers, call center people, taxi drivers--most everyone--likes to be honoured with knowing that they have done something right...even if they were just doing their job. I've tacked this note by my computer to give me heart during the rougher patches. Those words mean more to me than I can truly express.

Current Mood: touched
Friday, January 12th, 2007
2:28 pm
Double whammy last night...
I came home to find three envelopes, two containing notices that I'm being taken to collections for unpaid bills from the accident in July (the total is about $1200) and one containing my preliminary bill for the oral surgery I'm getting on Tue, which said that I will owe them $384 the day of. I called both of the accident ones today and found out that while they submitted bills multiple times to AllState, AllState never paid or contacted them, so now it's my responsibility. I called the oral surgeon as well, contesting the charge for an x-ray that they didn't take (the looked through their notes and apologized but said it wouldn't affect what I owed) and complained about the fact that they didn't discuss their payment policy with me when I went in for my consiltation. I also asked them why the charge for surgery was almost twice what the average cost of this surgery is and was informed that it is so high because all four of my teeth are technically impacted. Neither my dentist or the oral surgeon informed me of that at any time prior to my phone call, so I'm kind of upset to find out from the girl at the front desk that the three teeth that are not sideways are obstructed by the bones in my jaw, making surgery far more expensive. I thought the point of consultations was to go over that sort of thing? Now, my root canal will not be covered because my $2000 yearly will be capped, and I don't even want to look up how much that might be. So, at any rate, here I am at work trying to deal with cancellation after cancellation due to weather and not having any place to reschedule people because Monday is a holiday and the docs are full up for the rest of the week, and, here I am unsuccessfully fighting off tears of frustration and barely overcoming the urge to curl up into a ball beneath my desk and implode. I was overwhelmed 6 weeks ago, and it seems like every week since has been piling up more and more things to deal with. Finances. Car. Teeth. Pain V Painkillers. E-mails telling me I'm responsible for Nathan's death. Panic attacks. Broken computer. Broken heater. Insurance. Injuries that still need treatment. I'm fucking exhausted and overwhelmed.

I wish I wasn't going in for surgery next week so that I could focus on getting one or more of these things taken care off, but, well, if wishes were fishes we'd all cast nets...yeah I know. And in the scheme of things, none of this stuff is major. When things go bad, I try to remind myself that terrible as it might feel, it could be worse. Strange seeming maybe, but it works...puts things in perspective. My car broke down, but at least my house didn't burn down like one of the lung cancer patients where I work. My knee hurts, but then I see the girl with the big smile and the snarky quips hopping on crutches because of her amputated leg. Money and good credit are great and all, but they're not the most important things: I can survive with low scores on both counts. The teeth thing sucks, but it will be taken of by the surgery and the root canal (which I can always put on a credit card). Eventually, I won't need to be on painkillers everyday... My knee and neck hurt, but it's not overwhelmingly painful. Somehow or another I will get a car, and if I don't...well it might take an hour and a half to get home from work via bus, but it's doable. The worst collections can do is dock my pay...it'll suck and not be fair exactly, but I won't die or starve or freeze from the loss of income.

All of that is true (I think), but still...my eyes are red, and my heart is pounding. My head hurts, and I feel like there isn't enough air for me to breath.

Things could be worse--it's true--but I wouldn't mind if they were better.

Current Mood: frustrated
Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
7:17 pm
not a great start...
The lady who was going to sell me her car (I'd paid to have it checked and made a verbal contract to buy it) up and sold it yesterday to someone else. So, well, that sucks. Now I'm back to square one in terms of locating a new car...and still pretty clueless.

Also, one of my wisdom teeth is severely impacted, one broke the gumline and caused an infection, and my root canal seems to have failed. I can't eat solid foods right now because it hurts so badly.

This is not a good way to start the new year.
Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
3:43 pm
death of my first car
Driving, driving, driving...then thinking, "hmmm, my engine is making a weird noise." All of the sudden, the car lurches backward, pausing on I-99 with the sensation of a bang. The check engine light comes one, but the car drives another couple of miles before the lurching banging sensation occurs again. Then slowly slowly the car stops, and I am stuck in the tunnel, just north of downtown, at almost 2am in the morning. "Fuck!" I think.

Not having AAA anymore, I call Teresa and beg her help in locating a towing company. Being the good friend that she is, she gets to it, and I sit in the tunnel, tensing every time a feel a vehicle ready to come around the bend...many of them either do not notice my hazard lights and lack of movement or intentionally wait to the last minute to change lanes, and so until I see them passing me, I brace myself for the potential impact. It never comes--thank goodness!--but I am getting more and more nervous.

Forty minutes pass before Teresa texts me, apparently under the impression that I've already been contacted by a towing company. I call her, and while we are speaking, a well meaning driver pulls beside me and starts talking about calling 911. I try not to get too flustered by having two conversations at once, but then I see flashing lights behind me. I get off the phone with Teresa, and breath a sigh of relief at the arrival of the tow truck. Well meaning random driver leaves, and the tow truck bloke starts telling me how much the towing will be--read fucking damn expensive. I decide to have it towed the mechanic that he recommends who's only a few miles away...it would be an extra $75 to get it home, and then I figure I would just have to get it towed to a mechanic again. We notice that the car is leaking oil, and the tow truck bloke warns me that it's not a good sign. I begin preparing myself for the death of my car and call Teresa to see if she thinks that it would be fun to drive up by Queen Anne and pick me up.

On the way back to West Seattle, I get blueberry pie juice all over my skirt. It now has a hard and slightly discolored blotch above the knee.

Despite Teresa generously driving me, I am not in the best of moods when I get to work at 8:30. I am very tired. I keep fumbling with my words when I try to talk to patients. Luckily, it is a relatively light day, and I decide to trade an hour lunch break for time browsing used car information online. ::sigh:: Aside from it being confusing, the cars I would want are way too expensive for my little budget. I try to hope for the best, but I am not shocked when I call the mechanic and discover that my motor has a hole it it and that it will be a minimum of $3000 to fix. ::sigh:: At least the mechanic was super nice and only charged me $50 for looking at my car instead of the usual $100.

So...erm...anyway...

Would anybody like to purchase a '96 Toyota Corolla in good condition except for a broken motor? (A good quality used motor can be purchased for under $1000)

Also, and more realistically, is anybody out there good with cars? I need help removing my car stereo. I need help figuring out how to buy a good used car and definitely need somebody who knows about these sort of things to come with me when I look at one. I'm not an idiot. I'm actually a pretty smart girl. I know lots of things about lots of things... You want me to edit your essay? Done. You want me to crochet you a scarf and hat? Done. You want to discuss Jungian archetypes in King Lear or the dissolution of individual identity and the sense of humanity as the result of immersion in technology? Done. I can do that. My brains go that way. Nonetheless, I'm an imbecile when it comes to mechanical things. I don't know what questions to ask. I don't know what the answers mean. And, I'm not the most savvy negotiator when it comes to anything bigger than haggling at a market. I know it's a lot to ask, but if anyone can help me with this (or knows anyone who can help me with this) I would be beyond grateful.

Current Mood: stressed
Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
2:58 am
containing the pleasant
I've done plenty of pleasant things lately...

On Thur, I *finally* got to see "Wicked", the musical based on Gregory Maguire's book telling the story of the Wicked Witch of the West. I really loved the show, and I got a kick out of the fact that the actress playing the Witch of the West was named Shoshana Bean. It was a delight to be transported into the world fabricated on stage and to feel the immediacy of the words being spoken and sung by people right there in front of me. I love movies, I do, but there's nothing like knowing that what you are seeing and experiencing is unique to that moment...that's theatre.

On Fri, I got some peeps to come out to the Vogue. I got really drunk. Kai danced on the pole. Teresa was beyond hot in her outfit...and, in fact, got invited to compete in the sexiest costume contest, which she sucked me into as well. I got second place (alas not to her since she backed out after I did my thing), and I won one of those strap on butterfly vibrator things. It's nice, but I'm a little offended that the straps are to small to go around my thighs and my hips. I'm not *that* big. Anyway, after the club closed down we created an impromptu kerioke party at Kai and Denise's place, and I passed out somewhere around 4am.

On Sat, I realized that while I had been smart enough to grab a change of clothes and a cell phone charger on my way out of the appt on Fri, I had actually forgotten to grab my Doctor Who DVDs, which were going to be somewhat instrumental in the having of the Doctor Who Marathon at Grace's. ::sigh:: ::laugh:: Such a typical Shoshana thing to do... So, I had to drive all the way up to my appt from the hill and then drive back. Chris and Sora were already there waiting at Grace's house when I got there, and, better late then never, we began. About a dozen or so people came through at one point or another, including Cat and Sammy whom I had not seen in ages. There was drinking and Doctor Who education for the Doctor Who virgins. I think it was a successful marathon, and everyone really seemed to enjoy the show. I ended the night the next morning, falling asleep on the cushy glory of Matt and Sarah's bed.

Sunday, I was beat and more than a little fuzzy around the edges. Still, I perked up at Celeste's enough to drink more wine, watch most of a terrible (and I mean TERRIBLE) Canadian horror movie about chemically treated trees that were turning people into zombies if their blood mixed with the tree sap. I fell asleep before the end, but after I woke up, Celeste and I ended up chatting in bed for several hours...greeting the sunrise, though we couldn't see it behind the curtains.

The thing is, despite all of this, I'm still depressed, still sick insided about the whole thing with Lee, the dramas/tensions between me and my parents, and the issues from the accident that I am still trying to stuff down for fear of popping my balloon of sanity with too much...too much... I let things get to me on Friday night, and while I had some fun moments, a night that could have been one to, well, remember, was actually kind of a wash. I'm angry at myself for letting my head go to that space, and I really want to break out of this funk...accept that the end of a friendship isn't the end of the world...maybe face some of my demons. There is such a richness of wonderful possibilities and people out there in the world, and I want to start soaking some of them in...and, ideally, start adding in to the wealth.
Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
10:44 am
Yo ho!
Avast me harties! Tis a fine day to talk with a pirate voice. Arrrr! The day tis ripe for plundering the wordhoard and speakin with a gruff and rum scorched voice!

Honestly, I am having fun. I even dressed a bit like a pirate. My co-workers think I'm crazy, but hey...at least they're amused. Now, if only I had the rum...
Saturday, September 16th, 2006
3:12 am
Old school frustration...
::sigh:: grrr ack and the like...

I have a friend whom I care about dearly but who has been sadly distant from my life since I returned from Israel. It's been a slow and rather painful evolution from realizing that there were an unusual amount of unreturned phone calls and lack of socializing availability on his part to me catching on that something was up and asking him about it. The whole thing has been bugging me crazy...I'm having a hard enough time dealing with the loss of Nathan, and I don't want to lose anymore friends, in any capacity. In my more depressive and lonely moments (yes, I'm still riding a coaster of emotional ups and downs) I find myself feeling hurt and angry that when I needed my friends the most he wasn't there for me. When I feel brighter and more calm, I start musing on these feelings trying to figure out how justified there are. I felt hurt because my expectations were not met, but maybe my expectations were unfair? I trusted him, and I would have been there for him had he ever expressed the need, but maybe I overestimated our intimacy. If I erred in expectations, then, well...it's still something lost, as what I perceived is no longer there, but then I would have no right to bear ill will. I would rather go back to enjoying his company in a more casual manner than give up the entire friendship because it did not stretch as far as I thought it did. So, I called him. I left a message saying that I still didn't know quite what was going on with him and that I would like to know if whatever it was could be resolved...that I missed hanging out with him and needed to know if we I would be doing so again at some point in the future.

He didn't call back.

Tonight, a mutual friend mentioned that he knows how to hold a grudge, and I responded, shocked and puzzled, with the question, "Why is he holding a grudge?" I can't think for the life of me of what I have done. My poor friend was now in the awkward position of being asked to deliver information that it wasn't her place to impart, and she responded with vagueness appropriate to that position. All I know is that, in her opinion, there are things that he perceived, several of them, that bohered him...that it is more his perceptions of a situation than anything acutual. She said that he and I should really talk about it face to face, and she said she would work on nudging him to do so.

I'm upset now. I'm upset because now I'm afraid the friendship isn't salvagable...I can forgive someone for being upset and distant, especially if I learn why, but even if we talk and decide to fall back in our old rythm, I will forever be worried that I will uninentionally trigger a replay of these past few weeks...that I will do something that bothers him and not be shown the courtesy of being informed. Everytime he doesn't return a phone call or acts weird, I will be tempted to read too much into it. And, I realize the flaws in my character here, but I also know myself well enough to acknowledge them. If I can't trust someone to be honest and forthright with me, then I go crazy.

I hate to go sobbing about the eggs before they're broken, but I can't hold my mind from it right now.

Also, I can't sleep. I spent a couple hours enjoying Chris' amazing AMAZING tempurpedic mattress...I wasn't even sleeping, it was just so comfortable that I could not bring myself to get up, party or no. The rest seems to have worked like a nap though, and now I'm wired. Bugger.

It was a fun party though! I drank a bit too much. I ate way to much. I was pretty silly and social, well aside from the two hour mattress-induced disappearance. There are currently three naked people sleeping on my bed. Erm, sadly it is not the bed that I am in (the one in my apartment) but rather the air mattress that I am lending to the hostess of the party. Still, I can truthfully say that I got three intersting and attractive people into my bed, and that makes me smile.

And...tomorrow should be fun.

Current Mood: frustrated
Thursday, September 14th, 2006
10:22 pm
Twin Peaks
I crammed a rerun of the whole cherry pie of the series from Sunday till just now...Bob scares me.
Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
7:32 pm
The mind's a funny thing...
I wish I understood mine.

::sigh::

At any rate...I'll be on a plane in 12 hours...thinking I'm sure on the 36 hours or so it will take fly from this "homeland" and land in home.
Friday, July 7th, 2006
11:27 am
I always used to wonder if, given the choice, I would trade my life or well-being for another's. I would imagine a scenerio, a bank robbery say, where a child was taken hostage and where I would step calmly up and exchange places whith the child. I don't know why, but it has always been important to me to have that inside me...and even when I imagine it, I wonder if it is so and wonder if I wouldn't be curled up frozen were I ever to find myslef in that place...maybe I would...maybe sitting forzen would actually be the right thing to do...that's always seemed moot.

When I was in the hospital, still strapped down but finally free of the trauma room and all the faces and voices of doctor's and nurses, I fantasized/hallucinated that a man was telling me that I could trade myself for Nathan, and I said yes. I didn't think about it before I answered, it was a yes beforfe the question was posed. After I answered it, the hallucination faded halfway back to reality, and I began examining my answer...I didn't answer yes out guilt, and I didn't answer it because I wished to die...it wasn't that I thought that Nathan had more value than me or that he had a family and I did not...it just was...it was the answer that I gave, and even thought I realized it wasn't real and that there was no voice giving me the power to make that decission, I felt calmer knowing that I had made it and knowing that I had answered yes.

I keep trying to explain my sense of guilt to people, but though they mean well and they try, I do not think they understand. My mind knows that I didn't cause the accident...it is my heart that feels responsible. Hearts don't listen to logic. My heart wants forgiveness, but no one can forgive it if they do not feel wronged or angry. My mind thinks that if am irrational, why aren't other people being irrational in the other direction. My heart is crying. My mind is numb.

I was being petty last night...my heart was angry that no one was angry at it, and so it tricked my mind into bringing up the petty things that had been bugging me and even when I realized that perverse as it seemed I was actually trying to make my two friends annoyed with me, I couldn't stop. Even though I didn't succeed, I hated myself for it. I don't like when I get like that.

I'm trying to freeze good memories in my head so that I can haunt myself with them. Can it work like that? I'm tired of seeing reality vanished and replaced for a painful instant by an image of the accident. I conjour the white butterfly that flew up just as Allison and Matt began their first walk as man and wife. I hold the image of me standing on a chair to hug Brian goodbye (though my head was still lower than his) and sound of people clapping in ammusemnt. I remember hula hooping. I rembmber the needle puncturing my lip at Slave to the Needle and that for the time ever I did not yelp when it broke through my skin. But I can only seem to capture these for an instant...then I am back to the memory of crying on the boat, of being strapped down and helpless in the ambulance, of seeing the accident from the other side and screaming.

Some people say that I am strong. I don't feel strong...I barely feel sane.

Current Mood: distressed
Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
5:20 pm
It's a strange thing watching yourself from a distance...

People that I've never met have contactecd me and shared their kindnesses...friends that I would have thought of as friends have stayed silent...in another smaller sort of crisis, I would be angry and the latter and amused at the former.

NWA would not switch my flight that I had scheduled leave Seattle on Thur, and they made me buy a new ticket entirely. I felt the tears of frustration streak down my cheaks and heard the terseness in my voice as I kept demanding to speak to someone else (all to no avail ::sigh::), but I couldn't say that I necessarily felt the things these outward signals belied.

I think it's just as well I'll be in Israel. It seems a waste of the trip, since I doubt that I'll really be able to take it in the way I would have wished...the way I hoped and planned to do. I love all the kind words that people have sent out, and I like the idea of wrapping those promises around me like a blanket as I try to heal myself to the point where I begin to enter the world again. Right now I'm so distant and confused and haunted that I'd be too concerned that people were worried about me to really bask in their warmth. And...I've cried so much and spent so long hugging others through their tears that I think that even though I'll be alone with strangers out there that maybe that will be best...hopefully the quiet and the utter change scene will help me sort through my own mind.
5:19 pm
back
I'm back in Seattle...here till Sat night. Thank you to everyone who called, e-mailed, and/or messaged me...it helped more than you can ever know.

People keep asking what they can do. For my part, I would really like to see us have a big party fundraiser and give the money to Nathan's parents to put into a trust fund for Nathan'sboys. By a stroke of ironic luck, Nathan's insurance kicked in the day of the accident. Still...I think a fundraiser would be healing in a lot of ways. I'll formulate my arguments later and post to BCWA...I'm too burned out to do that right now. I also would like to see that Kristy gets taken care of. I gave her some money towards the hotel room we shared, but it didn't cover the whole of it...I know that she isn't concerned with money right now, but it's a reality that all of us living in capitalist land unfortunately have to deal with...I think we as a community should help her out. As for me...all I really want right now is to not be alone, and I'm sure that won't be a problem. I guess, while I'm at it, if anyone could reccomend a good burner-friendly therapist who takes insurance, well, that would be great. This thing happened. This experience occured. It's like having sex for the first time, or doing drugs for the first time, or travelling on your own for the first time...a line gets crossed that you can never backtrack over, and you are forever changed, forever different, forever living in a different world.

If people need anything from me, if they have questions that I can answer, if for whatever reason they feel the need to talk to me, please let them know that it's ok. Just like everyone else I'm anxious with this need to do something and be of some service and faced with the blank frustration that there isn't much that can be done...except, and this is key, reaching out to all of those who feel some inkling of the loss that I feel because they are feeling it too. Family, friend, or co-worker...we were all of us blessed to have known a unique and wonderful person, and we should stick together as we begin to cope with mourning his loss.

Current Mood: drained
Monday, July 3rd, 2006
5:07 am
please wake me up...
Um, another accident...

the accidentCollapse )

Current Mood: distressed
Thursday, June 29th, 2006
3:16 pm
well that was fun
It was a good night out...it's been a while since I've gone to a show and made out with one of the musicians. Now my head is a little hurty from the gin.

Work is going well I think...slowly but slowly I am catching on, and I recognize the pattern....feeling overwhelmed by the esoteric words and the complex ways things depend on other things...I do hate it when I don't understand things, and in my mind I over-exagerate my shortcomings and slowness...then one miraculous day, words fly out of my mouth in that esoteric tongue, and I am shocked to realize that the seemingly insurmountable task of acheiving comprehension has, well, been achieved. I think it's a month or two out, but I am looking forward to that day.

In the meanwhile, I better get on the ball about Israel...I leave in a week!
Monday, June 26th, 2006
9:16 pm
Yes, I stripped down naked and wondered around Fremont during the solstice parade. Then I ignored the sunshine and watched Evil Dead 2.

It was a low key and work-focussed (mainly unpacking) weekend.

I spent this past week/end back in Michigan hitting up my favorite Ann Arbor restaurants, geeking out tv/movie style with Rick, Jesus, and Mark, and, most prominantly, leading the whirlwind life of a bridesmaid...I'll write more about the details later, but for now, I'll just say that the wedding was lovely, that I am honoured to have been a part of it, that I smile when I think of Allison and Matt together, and that in a classic Shoshana moment, I got a penis straw poked in my eye at the bachelorette party.

Now, I'm fuzzy with jetlag and jittery inside about tomorrow...I'll be starting my new job and getting my first glimpse of what my new life will be like. Eeeep!

Current Mood: nervous
Friday, June 16th, 2006
1:32 pm
last day...
It's my last day at work.

I came in 15 min late.
I went for coffee.
I hula hooped in the office...my boss told me I could not hula hoop in the office, but he's not here...the other manager had someone take a pic with their camera phone, and we made it the new desktop background on my boss' computer.
I laid down for twenty minutes on the floor.
I made personal calls on my cell.
I shot some rubber bands (and managed to get one caught on the paratroup figure hanging over Phil's desk!)
I ate my lunch.
::sigh:: Now I'm really bored.

Current Mood: bored
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
12:30 pm
1)How old do you wish you were?
I think 25 is fine for at least another year... I am sort of ancy about gettting older, and it's not for the sorts of reason you all might think. I have built a lot of my identity around being young, specifically being young and having friends that are older and already past the stages of life that I am currently working through. I'm already old enough that I meet people a stage behind me (ie college / early 20s) ... I try to imagine who I will be when I can longer fall back on my relative youth. Even when I was little, I held to my youth...I will one day (fingers crossed) meet the other ages, 30, 42, 50...they lie in wait. I will never be 15 or 11 or 5 again. And, I'm beginning to forget the mindset of childhood...the mes that were are drifting furhter into the past.

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At the University of MI...I woke up late and rushed to my Developmental Psych Class and saw all of the signs saying classes were cancelled but thought that it was a practical joke being played by some frat or other. They had the news program projected onto the screen in the lecture hall but no sound. There were maybe a half dozen students watching, and my first panicy thought was that we were at war. One of the other students told me what happened, and I began worrying terribly about my cousin in NY. I called my parents and they reminded me that I had two cousins that were in NY. I felt weird. I spent the rest of the day at Allison's new apartment (she's the one who had been my roommate fresh and soph year...the one who is getting married now).

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Really, it depends on my mood, on if I have more money, and on how badly I want what's in the damn machine.

4) Do you consider yourself kind?
Sometimes I am kind, and sometimes I am also selfish and mean. Sometimes I do nice things because I'll feel guilty if I don't...I honestly wish I was a nicer person.

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
I really want to get a tatoo on my lower back. I'd love to get an armband, but I'm worried about my flabby arms defeating the purpose of that one. I'm also having a hard time getting the inspirition regarding what to get...what is it that I would truly wish indelled upon my skin? What image do I wish to be uniquely mine?

6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
I would love to be fluent in Old English, Ancient Greek, and Latin so that I could read classic texts... Spanish would be useful for travelling, but it has never appealed to me greatly as a language. German or Chinese would be pretty neat.

7) Do you know your neighbors?
Um, I've only been in the new place since Sun...gimmee a break!

8) What do you consider a vacation?
Time off work beyond the usual two-day weekend.

9) Do you follow your horoscope?
Not really.

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
I've never been in love, so it's hard to say. If I really loved someone though, then I imagine I would give it a shot. I seriously considering moving to SF after I met a guy at Burning Man...if he had visited me, if the energy had flown bright outside of the playa, if he had been willing...I think I would have done.

11) Are you touchy feely?
I love to be touchy feely, but straight sober I rarely am. I have to really be comfortable with someone to not feel shy that they would not want to be touched by me.

12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
sometimes


13) Dream job?
I really would love to make a living acting or performing poetry. Travelling the world doing import/export would be pretty exciting. I fantasized for a while about running my own zine.

14) Favorite channel(s)?
HBO, IFC, Bravo, Sci-Fi Channel, BBC America

15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
B-Manish weekend events

16) Showers or Baths?
showers...I like it hard and hot and long

17) Do you paint your nails?
I used to do so all the time...funky colors and weird patterns long before anything that wasn't red or pink was popular...now I'm too lazy/busy to bother.

18) Do you trust people easily?
No. ::sigh:: I so so rarely let myself risk trust...I so often find myself hurt when I do.

19) What are your phobias?
I don't really have any phobias. I have a terrible fear of failure. The thought of being alone and undeserving of anything but aloneness makes my chest tighten. I get frightened sometimes that I am bad person. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared that I will relapse again. I'm scared that I will find myself ill-equipped to make a life worth living. I like horror movies though!

20) Do you want kids?
I adore children, but I am too afraid of being a bad mother to ever have one. I'm scared I wouldn't love my child and that my child would not love me. It's possible that I have some issues with my own mother that are affecting my perception of the parent I might be.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
When I'm traveling. When something truly truly bothers me.

22) Where would you rather be right now?
That's a semantically ambiguous question, and I don't feel like going through all the different possible interpretations.


23) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
Big hugs. People doing favours for me. Genuine praise from my friends or from my bosses/teachers/directors. Achieving goals.

24) Heavy or light sleeper?
depends

25) Are you paranoid?
Hell yes.

26) Are you impatient?
Patience is absolutely not one of my character traits.

27) Who can you relate to?
There is that rare kindered soul... I relate more easily to characters in books and movies than to real people.

28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
I don't think it should be an issue.

29) Have you been burned by love?
I've never in the sort of love I think this question means to be asking about. I have burn burned by love I have felt for close fiends.

30) What's your favorite pick-up line?
To use or to have used on me? I really want to go up to someone and ask if they are hungry and would be interested in some Chinese food...and then say that "I would like to chop your suey"

31) What's your main ring tone on your mobile?
um...it has a ring...that's all I know

32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching Glengarry Glen Ross in bed.

33) What did the last text on your cellphone say?
The gist of it was that my friend was running late due to some traffic problem.

34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine. ::sigh:: I think we all know how much I hate sleeping in my own bed.

35) What color shirt are you wearing?
brown, with gold and copper beeding around the coller.

36) Most recent movie you watched?
Glengarry Glen Ross

37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
Nothing is on me at all times that isn't part of my actual body. It's a safe bet that my nose stud and belly butten ring are in. I rarely take off my emerald chip ring.

38) What colour are your bed sheets?
Right now they are purple.

39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
a little over $20


40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
the egg


41) What's your favorite town/city?
That I've been to:
Ann Arbor, Florence, London, Seattle, Cusco, Edinburgh, Dublin, Galway, Prague, Barcelona, Granada, Chefchouen, Black Rock City.

42) I can't wait till:
Oh lots of stuff! till...I start my new job; till...I'm comfortable at my new job; till...Allison's wedding; till...Burning Man; till...the new season of BSG; till...I see the next episode of Doctor Who; till...I get laid; till...I fall in love; till...I actually go to grad school. I guess it's moot though, cause I have no choice but to wait.


43) Who got you to join LJ?
I think it was Andrea...back in 2001.

44) What did you have for dinner last night?
Tomato gorgonzolla soup and a pannini sandwich from QFC.

45) How tall are you barefoot?
5 feet 1 3/4 inches...my ID says 5'2"

46) Do you own a gun?
No. I doubt very strongly that I ever will.


47) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Diet Dr. Pepper at work. Bloody Marys on the playa. Hair of the dog on the weekends.

48) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Um, apparently I need one...cause me as is ain't working too well. Also, um, what's this opposite sex bull? I want to lure both sexes thank you very much!

49) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
No fracking clue...

50) Last thing you ate?
some jelly bellies from my bosses desk

51) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't really sing in the shower.

52) Last thing that made you laugh?
I have laughed a lot at work today...I can't remember the last think specifically.

53) Worst injury you've ever had?
I guess it would the severed extensor tendon on my left foot.

54) Does someone have a crush on you?
It'd be nice to think so...if anyone does, they are welcome to speak up.

55) What's your favorite candy?
I love many many many types of candy.

56) What song do you want played at your funeral?
If someone sang "Erev Shel Shoshanim" I would be honoured. Truthfully, I would prefer a party to celebrate my life instead of the more traditional funeral to mourn it. I would like people to come dressed in burner wear. I hope that I have made enough friends by the time that I die that many people come. To refer back to an earlier question...one of my greatest fears is that at the end of my days I will not have made enough of a positive mark on other people's lives to be remembered.
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
8:24 am
Inside the fire it was quiet because the sound of the flames filled my ears and drowned out the pounding of my heart. Time slowed as I fell into focus...the focus of a performance, the focus of an exam...the focus that is the zone we fall into when our bodies and minds alert us that our immediate actions are vital. I thought my mind would be racing with excitement once I began; I thought the little voice inside me would be yipping with excitement. But no. My mind quieted when I picked up the poi and let my body take the reigns. Underneath that quiet there was the rush of power and the rush of danger...the same sort of rush that I disliked when I fired a gun because it frightened me that some small part of myslef enjoyed that power and some other part of me was terrified by the potentiality held in my hands. With the fire, it was me alone. I spun until the flames extinguished, and then I set the chains down. Then I yelped, and then I jumped. I had promised myself that I would do it one day...and now I have. I can't wait to do it again.

It was a good weekend...the one that happened a week ago that I haven't had time to write about.

Friday I got feathers in my hair at the Jason Webley show, and I smiled inside to remember dancing beneath them in M2M back in University. I jumped and giggled and pushed balloons with the crowd, and after the concert, I quieted down with the Matrix episode of the old school Doctor Who.

Saturday I intended to go to Camp Tomato. Actually, I did go to Camp Tomato, but I got intimidated by the large crowd of complete strangers and made daisy chains in the park instead. Then I found myslef on a beautiful beach having a wonderful time with a small group of people at Roast-O-Rama. I made smores in a half shell and tried skipping stones. When it was time to leave and go to Karla's party, I had to pull myself away...and it took a good half hour or more...gosh, I love it when you start to leave and people try and get you to stay.

I did leave though...because I had missed the last four parties that I said I would go to and wanted to break that pattern. At Karla's new place I saw the fire spinners, and when they said that any poi spinners were welcome to use their equipment if they wanted a turn, I went up to them and told them that I had always been eager to give it a try. I was not used to the weight of real poi...and when I practiced with the unlit set, I hit myself a few times...maybe it was foolish to light anyway, but I felt in my bones that it was time to make that leap...I sensed that when it counted, I could do it.

SundayI saw Terezin, a new musical about, well, Terizin...it was still in the workshop stage, but I actually liked the rawness, liked trying to imagine the show as it would someday be. I cried watching it, and I mouthed the Mourner's Kadish when it was spoken by an actor whose character realized the fate the jews had faced in the East. I wish that my cultural history was more than just a history for me...I wish that I could be a good jew to honour all of those who suffered and struggled because they were jewish. I know my family wishes my brothers and I would carry the traditions onward and raise jewish children. I know many people think that I will one day be jewish in faith again. I know that I am terrified to have a child and cannot imagine ever choosing to face that fear. I know that while I treasure my sense of heritage and still view the traditions with a sort of fond sense of familiarity that religion--organized religion--is not for me. My parents actually don't care so much if I believe...they care about the actions. I feel that the actions are empty without belief, and I will not do them anymore except to benefit other people, sharing in them if and when I visit my family or other jewish households. I mouthed the Mourner's Kadish because it honours the dead and honours those left living. I thought of my two grandfathers and of my grandmother that had passed. In my head I offered a penence for not going to a service and sayin Kadish for my mother's father as I had said I would do.

Then I had a lovely meal with Teresa before heading over to Lee's for the new episode of Doctor Who and a mini Spaced marathon.

It was a great weekend, and it helped fuel me for this week of packing and moving.

This weekend has been low key because I'm rather exhausted from everything. Friday I performed my godess poem (nearly off book) and enjoyed the studio till just after the desert piece. I came home around midnight hoping to recoup some sleep, but I woke up at 7:00. I got the rest of my packing done and moved another car load to the new place. Then I explored my new neighborhood for a while and hunted at a few thrift stores and used furniture places for a decent dresser (no luck...damn, it's too much trouble shopping for furniture!).

I met up with Kristen to celebrate the new job, and I think we bored poor Chris terribly talking about what work will be like. I realize that I am extremely lucky... I almost didn't go to Diem's party, and almost didn't go to Randy's the next moring for breakfast. I very nearly didn't invite myself along to Bronson. And, once there with Kristen, Ryan, and crew...it was chance that Kristen heard me talking about how I could't go to Burning Man because of work. I could so easily have never known about the job. And, Kristen says that it is extremely difficult to get hired at the SCCA from the outside, that if she and her co-worker Sarah had not told their boss to interview me...well, I've lately been aware and come to accept that gettting jobs very often seems to be about who you know. But, she assures me that I got the job because I'm me. The manager there hires on feel, on whether she likes you...and, aparently she likes me. :) It's nice to be liked; it's a good feeling.

I'm dreading going in to work on Monday and telling my boss that I'm leaving. I feel guilty. We're so behind, and they already need to move three people up to positions like the one I hold to help out with other specialists...two assistants have left / are leaving, and Ashlee and Jayme are desperate for help. There are only three people in the call center that could reasonably be promoted (not that they call it that, but everyone thinks of it that way). When I leave, there will be four spots that need to be filled. It will mean that other specialists will either have to wait for assistants so that I can be replaced or that someone will be shortchanged with an assistant. It will mean that the call center will be more short staffed...all the more because someone will have to help Jayme when Ashlee leaves for her honeymoon...a service that I had been volunteered for. And, what with me going back to Michigan for the wedding, I will only be working for one week before I leave...two weeks notice is two weeks notice regardless of holidays and vacation. ::sigh:: I guess I'm kind of a pussy...

I wonder...what will my world be like in two weeks? New apartment. New roommate. New job. New boyfriend. ::blushes:: um, well, not that one...in my dreams at any rate...maybe I'll get a new vibrator though!
Friday, June 9th, 2006
6:52 pm
I got it :)
I got the job! I got the job! I got the job!

$16.75...almost 40%more than I make now...*and* they are letting me got to Burning Man. Also, I think I'll like it.

Current Mood: happy
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
4:43 pm
6/7/6
Happy palindrome day!!
Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
1:31 pm
ooohhhh!
06.06.06
Sunday, June 4th, 2006
12:57 am
Lit it!
I did it *finally*! Tonight I spun my first fire poi :`)

Current Mood: ecstatic
Friday, June 2nd, 2006
12:29 pm
interview
I think it went well...hope it went well. The person interviewing spoke for almost an hour and positively glowed with passion for her job and for her co-workers. I didn't speak very much to her, and she didn't ask me questions about my work history or my goals...it felt more like she was pitching the work to me, and, well, I'm sold; I definitely want to work there! Hopefully the few words I put into the conversation made a good impression... She said that she would call me in a week or so either way.

Current Mood: hopeful
Friday, May 26th, 2006
2:11 pm
a poet, a girl
a dreamer
I am not an angel, but a human
seeming plain
earthbound
wrapped in skin and flaws and history
stuffed with tattered bits of memories, true and false
of all I’ve known, loved, and lost
of laughter light and tears tossed without
of petty thoughts, base and mean
of things that were and are and have things that ended or have never been
but I am more than the girl the world has seen
in me wrought
at the apex of my mind and my heart and soul
you can find
burning
an ember
a glowing spark of the divine heritage of my sex
waiting to blaze bright and strong and so explode
igniting the world of me, in me…the world made by me
sparking soul fires in my blazing sisterhood
lighting the stars that shoot behind our eyes, and fuel our yawps and cries
birthing beauty
real beauty
now un-bound
from that place that is deeper than flesh, more basic that atoms
it is the truth
it is the why that never lies dormant
it is the urge to surge into potential and strip away the girl
baring new and raw the woman
swelled out full
cradling the history of her sex
in the mighty arms of now
it is the opening of eyes
widening them past sight into un-shielded absorption
of the goddess-incarnate
the mother that may be
the girl that grows
it is the glory of life and living
filling every empty space within
saturating doubts with the light tinge
of all the colours sharing shades
inside the flames of the fire
gifted by the gods so long ago
that burned away the apes coursing in the veins
and made humanity
it is the inevitable evolution
the twin of creation
it is the reality seeped in women’s bones
the cycle: child, maiden, mother, crone
and every beat within my heart
fans that ember’s flames
and brings me closer to taking part
in the destiny of woman
I am ready now to claim what will be mine
and…already I am growing there
I have been shown the universe that lies in wait within my loins
the richness that purloins the moon’s weight for my bleeding time
I have felt a heat that does not come from stars or sun
and wound a life around my soul
this, I’m beginning to learn and know
is nothing if not
the very definition of divine
In me, there is a goddess!
she was always there, waiting through
the awkward tears of my forming years
and the shady seeming-truths of youth
and living here, inside the womb
of earth and sky and sea
my body trembles
my soul shakes
and my mind piques
in anticipation
of what I will someday be
of the destiny
that will fill me
soon

***************************************************************
Ok...so I know it's not great, but at least it's there. I was going crazy having to tell people no everytime they asked if I had anything new for LRS. Since losing my regularish sexual partner, I just haven’t exactly been barraged with erotic inspiration. I wrote most of this during the break out at our Thur rehearsal...written in frustrating fits and starts because people kept trying to rehearse or talk or try on clothes in whatever corner I tried to claim as a workspce (that's the price, I suppose for contiually finding so much talent). I refined it somewhat during pauses at work, though I don't think it's complete. It’s flowing oddly. It’s unfocussed. It lacks something. But, despite all of that, it performs well. Page poems and performance pieces are different, and I coming to understand that and appreciate it more and more. When I read the rough version at rehearsal, I could feel potential. I am glad to be bringing something freshly generated to the inaugural Saturday show…it is my gift to our new night.

Current Mood: pleased
Thursday, May 25th, 2006
1:48 pm
Jumping on the meme wagon...
1. First name? Shoshana

2. Were you named after anyone? Yes. There are two sects of Judaism: in one, it is traditional to name children after the living, and in the other it is traditional to name them after the dead. I am named after both. Shoshana is Hebrew for rose and can also mean lilly. I am named after my father’s mother, Rose (living), and I am named after my mother’s aunt Lillian. I think I’m also named after someone else, but I forget. If my mother had three daughters, she was going to name them Shoshana, Shana, and Shirah…none of the others would have been named after anybody. My brothers aren’t named after anybody. For my part, if I ever do have children, I will name my daughter(s) after people…I feel that it is a beautiful honour, both for the child being named and for the one whose name lives on. In Judaism, the name needs not be exact…I would name a daughter Arianna Rose after my grandmothers, Rose and Anna. I would name a daughter Zimmerah Irene, after my mother, Melody, and my great aunt Irene. When I told my mother that, it was one of the few times that I genuinely felt that she was proud of me…

3. Do you wish on stars? Always. I used to bear my heart to them when I was a child…and sometimes I still do.

4. When did you last cry? Thursday…the day before my birthday. I soft quiet cry, curled into the back of the couch.

5. Do you like your handwriting? No. My dad’s a doctor, and my mother’s a nurse…so, give me a break. It was the only C I ever got in school.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Yuck!

7. What is your birth date? May 19, 1981…anniversary of the day AnneBoleyn was beheaded.

8. What is your most embarrassing CD? Um, I’m still into folk music…

9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with yourself? I don’t know actually. I think about that a lot, and I’m really not sure. Remember that episode of Red Dwarf where there were two Rimmers? Remember that episode of TNG where there were two Will Rikers?

10. Are you a daredevil? Some would say yes. Some would so no. Some have some stories to tell.

11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Only secrets about myself. I have know to blurt out things that were, in retrospect, pretty inappropriate, especially when I’m “altered” or really hyper.

12. Do looks matter? Well, I appreciate an aesthetically pleasing form and face as much as the next person, but it doesn’t compensate for compatibility of spirit. I like interesting, and I appreciate people who might not be considered conventionally attractive but in claiming their personality and their body as their own come across as breathtaking.

13. How do you release anger? Um…I have a bad tendency of twisting anger into other emotions. I don’t like being angry. I’m terrified of it. Once though, I tried to kick a car out of frustration. I missed most of the wheel and stubbed my toe. I tried again, and missed entirely, slipped on the ice, and fell into a mushy cold blob of slush. Chris W. laughed at me. When anger does come on though…I need to talk about it, verbalize, and hear that I am justified in my anger…if it involves people, I need to learn enough details to understand why they did what they did, and then, when the complexities and the confusions, and the crossed desires become clear, I usually cannot be angry any more. The sucky thing is that people usually are hesitant to be honest…when people say that they don’t want to make upset and so will not do me the honour of expressing the truth, that, well, that makes me angry. I’m cusping on Gemini people…I’m allowed to be weird.

14. Where is your second home? Burning Man…it was home from the first instant I stepped from the car and breathed the salty dust.

15. Do you trust others too easily? No. Quite the opposite.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Beads and yarn and crafty things…

18. Do you have a journal? I’m better with my online one then I ever was with paper.

19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Me? never. ::smiles sweetly::

20. Favorite movie(s)? Oh gosh…too many too many! I’m a total cinephile  Some of my favorites include: Dead Poet’s Society, A Clockwork Orange, Rocky Horror, Reefer Madness The Musical, Lawrence of Arabia, Audition, Mulholland Drive, Blade Runner, The Princess Bride, Tromeo and Juliet, Pi, In the Company of Men, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Moulin Rouge, The Sweet Hereafter, Breakfast at Tiffanies, Harold and Maude, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Uzamaki, Laberynth, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the new LoTR, Star Trek VI, and Dead Alive / Braindead.

21. What are your (acceptable) nicknames? Sho, Shoshanagins…and, from my grandmother only, Princess…and, from Heather only, Shosh

22. Would you bungee jump? I’ve wanted to for ages!! And, I want to skydive too!! Somebody say that they will skydive with me…please…

23. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? rarely

24. Do you think that you are strong? No…I’m a really weak little girl, and that’s why all you big strong people are going to help me move in June…RIGHT? Otherwise, I’ll kick your ass.

25. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry, the kind with real chunks of strawberries. Coconut ice cream at Thai restaurants is nice too.

26. What size of shoe do you wear? 6, sometimes 5 ½, sometimes a child’s size 4

27. What are your favorite colors? I like individual shades of colour…I like lavender, burgundy, sienna, cobalt, black, emerald, avocado, turquoise…I like the colours of the sea, I like the hues within a flame, I like nuances of green in a damp and mossy forest scene.

28. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My legs. They disproportionately short compared to my body.

29. Who do you miss most? Of the friends I have still, Skye…sorry Alliquay (though you will always be Skye to me). Of the friends I no longer have, Brian Sellers. Of the friends in town that I see too rarely, Rose. If the friends that live close enough that I should see them more, Emmy and Jason. Of the friends abroad, Steve. Of the friends that I wonder if I will ever see again, Erik Jens.

30. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? ::shrugs:: A meme is a meme is a meme. I do actually like learning about people though.

31. What color pants are you wearing? Well, I’m actually wearing a dress right now…but I have a pair of Teresa’s pj trousers underneath. Don’t ask me why…they’re comfy, even if they clash with the dress.

32. What are you listening to right now? Tap tap tap typing, a symphony of rythms, backdropped by the mummerings of co-workers on the phone and some chatter in the hallway.

33. What was the last thing you ate? left over tofu teriyaki

34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I’d be the whole fucking 300+ box…

35. What is the weather like right now? partly cloudy

36. Last person you talked to on the phone? Well I call a bunch of people at work…mainly hospitals and the like. The last social phone call was Nathan last night.

37. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? I notice the way people walk and the way they carry themselves. I do judge a lot by appearance…clothes that reflect a style that I identify with are a large turn on for me.

38. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes of course!

40. Favorite Drink? Diet Dr. Pepper and a nice scotch. Not together though.

41. Favorite sport? Gymnastics

42. Hair Color? Dark brown with a red overlay…a red that is sadly fading…::pouts::

43. Eye Color? Hazel, though apparently they change…so people say and so it has often seemed to me.

44. Do you wear contacts? Never. But, considering that my mom, my dad, and both my brothers where glasses, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

45. Favorite Food? Awe shucks, I don’ts know. I’m fond of Thai food…in fact I’m fond of anything with a decent kick that doesn’t involve meat. I love fruity mentos. I like salads. I love a good pickle.

46. Last Movie You Watched? Tristan and Isolde

47. Favorite Day of the Year? Well, it varies…you never know what any day might bring. I think my favorite day last year was the Saturday at Harrison Hot Springs.

48. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? I love scary movies. I actually tend to prefer sad endings.

49. Summer or winter? I choose that fifth season instead…that summer that holds on tenaciously, extending the time before the golden fall, oppressing almost…suspending the season’s change in stagnant-seeming pregnant pause before the inevitable decay.

50. Hugs or kisses? hugs

51. What is Your Favorite Dessert? I like the desserts at Zanzibar in Ann Arbor… I don’t like chocolate cake. I love things with fruit, especially mangos.

52. Who is most likely to respond? ::shrugs::

53. Who is Least Likely to Respond? Fuck, I’m not psychic…

54. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation? Asia…but it looks like it will be MI in June (for Allison’s wedding) and then Israel in July.

55. What Books are you reading? I just finished Wyrd Sisters. I started The Secrets of the Jin-Shei Sisterhood, but I think I lost interest in it. I think I’ll start with Norwegian Wood next.

56. What's on your mouse pad? I don’t have one. Did you eat it? That wasn’t very nice. I hope it gives you indigestion. OK..I really don’t hope it gives you indigestion, but I think that you should have asked first.

57. What did you Watch Last Night on TV? I didn’t watch TV. I did see a clown try to shoot a cooked chicken out of a makeshift cannon. The cannon wasn’t working, so he chucked the greasy thing at a giant talking roast beef sandwich. Um, this is not me being sarcastic. This really happened.

58. Favorite Smells? lavender, ginger, mint, the smell that lingers in the air after a fresh rain

59. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles

60. What's the furthest you've been away from home? Depends which home I suppose...I think that Prague might be the farthest geographically. Morocco felt the farthest in terms of tone. Burning Man was in many way the farthest, since it made me a new home…meaning that my old home lost that title, and how much farther away from something can you get then by disintegrating it?
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
3:51 am
insomnia
I'm used the insomia that taunts me with exhaustion as it pushes off the slumber, bed time stretching into an anxious toss and tumble as I struggle to REM before dawn. I am not used to this tricky sleep that comes on easily enough but then breaks suddenly, finding myself waking up after too few hours of sleep, body and brain sloshing with too little rest but unable to relax again into dreams.
Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
1:24 pm
kickass weekend
Friday was an off night…too much running around, too much overtime, too many thoughts whirling through their dances inside my mind…I’m sure the audience had a good time, but I forced myself through the motions and left when my performance was done. I was to be a bee, and my yellow bondage ribbons were in a hopeless tangle…I stared at them blankly, pulling at where the end ought to be, too frazzled by exhaustion to be useful. When I wiped the honey off my body and tore the costume away, I couldn’t even focus enough to put on clothes, and so I left the studio in my yellow thigh highs, my boots, my coat, and nothing else. By 8:30 on Saturday, I was back at work. It was a productive if tiring addition to my overtime hours. I left T-Scan feeling proud that I had mostly caught us up and content that my paycheck would be boosted somewhat grandly by over 12 hours of time and a half. I came home and opened my make-up kit where I had put the $80 that I had received for selling a couple of my corsets to a troupe member, and I discovered that the money was no longer there. Strangely, I was less upset that the money was gone then by the fact that it seemed to negate the long hours I had just spent working…I had gotten a $40 parking ticket last Wed, and so the overtime, all things considered, barely brought me back to even. So, there I was: tired, cranky, drained. I still went to Diem, Angel, and Pinky’s party though.

A couple of hours into it, I could tell that I was useless as far as being entertaining. I felt awkward and slow, unable to find anything interesting to say. I resolved to finish my very strong mohito and make a short night of it.

Then something shifted… I wrote my name and contact info on Tank Girl’s breast, and she kept making me laugh by pointing out how many people had expressed interest in my e-mail address. Then the four shots of rum were down me, and the next thing I knew, I was bent over John’s lap and chatting with Kate and having a great time. I told my brain, “Yes, this is good…keep yourself in this mode.” And, it worked.

The rest of the night is a blur of the typical debauchery…getting slung over someone’s shoulder so that I could be taken to the room with the flogging implements, leaving claw marks on someone, losing my shoes under the bed as I made out with someone else. I was flirting and hooping and drinking and playing with the glowy staff until I passed out in a cozy snuggle on an arm chair…waking up in pile of blankets on the mattress to which someone had moved me. It was a fantastic party.

My silly loopy after-party brain had making up songs to MacAnnie the next morning (it is a cross between Annie, the musical, and Shakespeare’s MacBeth). Then there was greasey spoon breakfast heaven at Randy’s, where I decided to push off the chore of packing in exchange for a trip up to the nudist retreat.

I drove to Issaquah so that I could climb on the back of a man named Ryan’s harley and ride through the twisty pretty back roads up to Lake Bronson. A poem is bound to born from the memories of the vehicle vibrating between my thighs, from the rush of letting go control and trusting another individual to drive, from the sheer joy of the wind in my ears… I was almost sad to reach our destination.

Once there, the clothes came off, and I dove into the cold water to sun myself with some acquaintances, some friends, and some maybe soon to be friends. Then we snacked on cheese, and crackers, and crisps…eventually having a small scrap involving chocolate and wine being put onto people…ah the delightful image of someone trying to lick chocolate off their own nipple!

Then Ryan (of the motorcycle) and a boy that had never been to Bronson went on a walk to the waterfall (the other boy was seeming a bit uncomfortable with all the nudity, and Ryan was trying to give him a chance to calm down a bit). I loved walking along the trail and touching the moss that hung like dryad hair around the tree branches. I was reminded of the moist emerald sheen of Ireland, and the whimsy induced by memories of my visits there bloated my spirits with a goofy joy; I began reciting…Shakespeare, Frost, on and on…and generally ignoring the other boy with was complaining about all manner of things.

We arrived at a view spot near the top of the waterfall and resolved to explore its base. The other boy didn’t want to go, and we said that it was fine if he went back but that we would continue forward.

I soon cast aside my holey soles and began exploring the icy water, seeking a pool of relatively still water encased by a ring of rocks. I was climbing over the dangerously slippery surface beneath the water’s chill and then clawing through dry loose stones along the edge, digging my fingers and toes into the soft earth. I washed my new scrapes and scratches clean in the pool and I reached my desired destination, and Ryan joined me. We talked about the drops of water that freed themselves from the torrent as the water flew into the air, creating the falls. We spoke about the trees that leaned inward towards us as we looked up at the sky. We talked about how the air seemed different. Eventually, as I figured was likely to happen, we began making out.

It was pleasant, kissing in the water, but then we were not alone… A head popped around the corner, and then we saw more heads, attached to bodies that seemed indecisive about whether to stand where they were, come nearer to us, or leave.

“We received a report that a girl fell into the river and couldn’t get out. A medic is one his way.”

At first I was concerned that some other girl had fallen in, but then we realized that the other boy who had been with has had run back to the lake and said that I had fallen into the water, that Ryan had jumped in after me, and that Ryan had called to him telling him to go get help. Bizarre. We spent an awkward time explaining that we were ok, and someone make a joke about mouth to mouth. Ryan seemed a bit angry. I was more amused. Everyone was relieved that no one was hurt…and I think they were quite proud—deservingly—that they were able to organize so quickly.

Ryan and I went on to the actual river after that. I joked in a half serious way that it was nice to have had a rescue party sent out for me. And then we made out some more between the trees.

It was a glorious day, and I was looking forward to some Doctor Who and then sleep by the time the second motorcycle ride was over. During my drive home, I found out that the plans to watch the new episode were cancelled, but I was exhausted enough that I was unfazed by the prospect of an early night. Then, an invite out to a boat prompted me to down an energy drink and head out onto Lake Union.

I scarfed a sandwich down at Quiznos…the cashier/sandwich boy made me smile when he randomly asked if I remembered Doug (the old Nickolodeon tv show). Then there was a silly mess of cuddle puddles and throwing coins when I met up with the bulk of the cast of our night-boating adventure at the marina. Once on the boat, we sang all sorts of songs, drank some beer and some chocolate cakes, and had a generally good time.

I danced on the hood of the boat a bit, and I crawled through the rathole onto another boat, scuffing up my poor knee which was in a sad state after all I’d put it through in the last few days.

Around midnight, I began fading into sleepiness. And, when the boat docked a short while later, I headed straight home, waking up to work on Monday with the sense that it had been the best sort of eternity since Saturday afternoon
Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
4:18 pm
On Friday, May 19th I will hit that quarter of a century mark…so, good Seattle-based friend, come meet me around 7:30 at Marcus’ Martini Heaven (88 Yesler Way) and/or The Noc Noc (1516 2nd Ave) at some later point in the evening. Spankings and alcohol are, as always, much appreciated.
Saturday, May 13th, 2006
9:51 am
Strange dream…basically I was arguing with the cashiers at a corner shop. They were the sort that had greasy slices, and the tag under the trays said $1. Next door was a place with bigger pieces, but they were $2. I bought the pizza and some other things at the place that I was in, and the bill seemed too high. Then they told me that the pizza cost $2. I started getting angry and making a scene. I had already eaten the pizza (which wasn’t very good), and I was furious. I demanded to look at the receipt, and it said that owed them $6, when they had, in fact, charged me $10. I was screaming and being mean, and I could feel the disgust with myself at acting out like this...but I was so angry that I couldn’t stop. I'm not sure I even realized that it was a dream; it felt so real. It was weird. I very rarely yell in real life…strange to do that in a dream…even stranger that two hours after waking up, the details popped back into my conscious mind.
Thursday, May 11th, 2006
1:43 am
Full...hooping at Full...dancing at Full...drinking at Full
Damnitt...I still have a crush on Sam! I think I'm finally over that thing with J. I love them, and I love the music. It's weird sometimes though...visiting with a time gone by.
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